Disappearance or just silence?

I was watching this Crime scene on netflix that says Disappearance at the cecile hotel. Have you watched it or heard about the case? Anyways, so this 21 YO Chinese girl mysteriously vanished from a negatively popular hotel in Los Angeles. It was an unsolved case from 2013 . Her body was later discovered from a water tank at the rooftop of the hotel after 19 days into her disappearance. No one could come into a conclusion of how it might have happened. All they had was the elevator video where she was seen last and her tumbler profile where she used to write her heart for people to read, always a better option than a personal journal where you keep things to yourself and people outside can never know whats going on inside one’s head. May be that was slightly a reason I started this blog. I wanted to write for people to read and know a little more about me and what I do. But that never really happened I guess. After watching the documentary and many others, I somehow wanted to open my blog and start writing again, so when I am gone, you will know who I was , If you are at all interested. When I logged into my blog , I was in disbelief to myself for being inactive for so -so long. The last time I ever posted anything was in June 2020 and it was pretty good when I read it. I know how to put words to my thought and make it easier to understand. When I start writing, I go deeper and deeper in my thoughts and I do not try to turn them into any sort of Shakespeare. This is just me, a very regular girl with her messed up mind, being pretty clear though.

 

In my last blog ‘why I was away’ I had mentioned about depression, which I later on skipped to talk about as I was skeptical about how my near-and dear ones will take it if I openly start to talk about it or rather write about it. For me , I can go on and on and on on topics like Anxiety, loneliness, being left out, wrong choices, awful mistakes, basically any reason to be depressed about. I still don’t know how will you take it If I say there have been a lot going on in my mind lately. Not a lot to be happy about. Definitely not a lot that I can talk about, basically not a lot that is shareable. Sometimes I think I don’t understand how I feel myself. And what is that , that I want , that will make me happy, or rather bring in some peace. I am a soon to be 32 YO looking out for some peace in this world full of people with self-consciousnesses, people who looks out for themselves, people who save them from getting hurt. And I absolutely have no idea how to do that. I know exactly what will hurt me more, and I want it. And what can give me a little bit of momentary happiness, and I can’t push myself out to do that. Getting up early on a Sunday morning and dressing up to go out birding seems like a such a big task when its NOT. Its not hard to wake up, its hard to make up your mind. Its hard to tell yourself that yes You can do it, and believe in it. You know how a person feels when they are in state of depression or you see someone just too silent, specially a not-so-silent person? If you know exactly how it is then you would never judge another person for being different from usual or being irrational or unreasonable. May be they also don’t know how to behave sometimes. No one told them na. People just tell you to be happy and keep smiling like its some sort of magic spell you throw on yourself and you magically just become happy. No, it doesnt. Infact, for me , in my head, happiness is more dark of a subject than loneliness itself. My most difficult question to answer is ‘ Are you happy?’ .When I see someone too silent or being weird, I am like ‘its okay not to be okay, they will be fine someday’ , but when I see someone just too happy, its ‘OMG something must be wrong or May be they are just faking it?’ for me. Do you get it? Or am I just being weird here? Are you too happy to be sad, or too sad to be happy?Which one are you?

 

~

Riya

2 responses to “Disappearance or just silence?”

  1. I can relate with what you’re trying to say here! Perhaps its more about acceptance of the thoughts in our subconscious mind! It may make us happy or sad , although what’s more important is to acknowledge all of it and make efforts to be hopeful. It’ll pass no matter what!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do believe it will pass . And can’t wait for that day to come when I can acknowledge my thoughts for real , not just for the diary pages . And Hope ! It’s always there , till the day we are alive !!

      Thanks for writing up Sam 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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